Challenge: A Humourous and Satirical Diatribe…

*DISCLAIMER* Some readers might find the following offensively true and unsettling.

When challenged by a good friend to produce a satirical diatribe reflecting the absurdity of the modern day dynamics at work in US society (and beyond in actuality) and the rapid, unprecedented (well, almost) growth of inequality in all aspects of American life in under 30 minutes… The following was delivered:

Hicks Bogan: Ricin with your mail this morning Sir?

Hicks Bogan: No? Ok Sir… Have a fantastic day just stickin’ with your heavy metals poisoning, xenoestrogens and contaminated water supply (sorry – yes bottled water too! Called BPA’s from the plastic… pretty nasty stuff). About that water supply that has been contaminated intentionally with hexaflurosisilic acid… Don’t know what that is? …ahh geez yeah, you see we can’t trust people to brush and take care of their own teeth (thats what we tell you anyway – its one of those blatantly obvious lies that most people think would be so absurd if it were in fact a lie, that they just accept it.) So we put fluoride in the water so lazy people don’t get cavities. But you see fluoride isn’t really that soluble in water so we have to use this form that we have to create in a lab and we actually have no way of monitoring how much of the stuff is actually introduced into the water supply, in fact on many occasions other forms of fluoride are used that aren’t authorised but whatever, it’s cheaper and no one’s watching so we don’t get caught!

America! Fuck yeah! You with me? You a patriot like me? Then you better high five me right now and turn on the NASCAR now and get me a can of the lowest alcohol, most tasteless beer (only ‘merican OK? Only ‘merican beer is blessed by Jesus) or I’ll kick your Kenyan socialist ass… Whooooo! Jacked up on freedom baby!

Not to mention a little interesting fact that… The Nazis were the first to ever put fluoride in the water supply and it wasn’t for lazy people’s teeth either – they thought it would pacify the population! You see fluoride is the main ingredient in fluoxetine – you know, Prozac! By the way, prozac is a psychotropic drug invented by pharmaceutical companies to cure people of the human condition, or as their Psychiatrists call it: (insert one of the 297 different mental disorders listed in about 886 pages in the DSM-IV-TR…) The IV is the roman numeral for 4, meaning the fourth edition. Guess how many mental disorders were listed in the first edition in 1952? Whats that Sir? Too much doing numbers hurts your brain? Don’t worry, us Americans get that a lot cause we’re so fuckin’ AWESOME! But yeah, actually a whole lot less, 106, and the DSM was originally created to tackle all of the mental and emotional trauma suffered by the veterans of the last noble war the world will ever see… (if you don’t know which war I’m referring to, god damn man, thats a bitchin’ screaming eagle with the stars and stripes tattoo you got there! You must love America as much as I do! Whats that Sir? No, I’m not laughing… must be some kind of interference on the line…) Yes, thats right Sir! 191 new mental disorders have been ‘discovered’ since then – its amazing the human race managed to survive this long without all of these diagnoses and drugs to cure us! I hope your brain ain’t hurtin’ too bad on that one… You must raise old glory up the pole and recite the pledge of allegiance every morning to have done that kinda big numbers in your head! God bless you.) So yeah… we put that in amongst a star studded cast of other shit that we do that will crush your humanity and shorten your lifespan. Yeah… Again, sorry bout the killing thing – we’ve got a list as long as my shlong (thats really big, cause I’m one hell of a patriotic American! Sometimes I lose balance and face plant the floor when I’ve taken a couple of those blue skittles my doctor gave me when I couldn’t get it up because my old lady really fucked me over by ageing and getting a few stretch marks from having our 13 children but I won’t go on about that catastrophic mistake marrying the cow in the first place…) of reasons for why we have to kill you but it all boils down to the bottom line. Its just cheaper and what more patriotic way to die than for your country!?

Anyway, one of the reasons is that there’s this demographic called the baby boomers and they are über expensive cause they are living too long so we don’t want that happening again cause the big bank account we set up and filled with social security taxes… um, yeah… we kinda lost it all in Vegas in one hell of a crazy weekend! Or was it those overrated and ridiculously complex derivatives we invested in? Or did we lend it to other countries that can’t pay it back… Or was that companies not countries? Maybe its down the back of the sofa or maybe it didn’t even exist in the first place – I mean with the whole fractal banking system n all!? Fuck it, can’t remember but whatever, we lost it gambling. So hurry up and die, thank you, please.

It’s more profitable this way… You understand right? It’s the ‘mercian way! You believe in unregulated, free markets based on game theory, originally developed by a paranoid schizophrenic, which in order to actually work, must assume that all human beings will act selfishly, all the time, right? Cause as humans, let alone Jesus’s own nationality, ‘merican, we’re nothing if not totally and utterly predictable in any given scenario and this can definitely be quantified and accounted for using mathematics and computers (the thing you watch all your porn on)…. Right? I said RIGHT? Unless you’re a fuckin’ commie, fascist hippie? Well are ya? Name 10 presidents… Do it… NOW! What’s that? You can’t? Ok good, test passed. USA, USA, USA!

Copy, paste, print and frame this advice Buddy – could be worth something one day! You’re more likely to get hit by a bus twice in the same hour but hey… That’s still a chance right!? This is the land of opportunity. Gosh darn it if there ain’t a job creator trapped inside me just waiting to get out so I can make lots of money profiteering off the decline of our great society and most importantly, not pay any peskie tax! Land of the free and the home of the brave mothafucka! Yeeeah fist pump! Now if I just pay taxes for now, vote to keep em really low for the super rich, pray to the author of our great constitution and founder of the US of A, Jesus, it’ll happen to me – I’ll get super rich! It happens on TV all the time plus Fox News said so too… So you know that shit’s true! Fair and Balanced. They report, I decide. That Hannity and O’reilly, well I’ll be damned if they ain’t the sharpest sporks in the drawer this country has! God bless them and me and don’t forget to strike down any that stand in my way to my ‘merican dream. Amen. God Bless (if you’re deep down a real American – full form birth certificate signed by Jesus may be required to confirm identity)…

———— END

Pretty shocking and damning evidence that one of the most influential men in the world, Hicks Bogan, is in fact a card carrying member of the 1% of the 1%. He just knows too much and what other demographic could ever be so condescending to what appears to be an ordinary American, just like the 99% of us folks in America, praise be to its name. I was going to put a picture of the Pope but I got death threats from religious extremist nuts saying I would offend all those Catholics (billions if you count by baptisms performed). So I pussied out and decided not to protect my first amendment rights that Jesus made to the constitution by actually exercising them. (What true American actually likes exercising really? God definitely did not make Krispy Kreme donuts NOT to be eaten by his fellow ‘mericans! Let alone, exercise their minds – I mean too much of that don’t just hurt the brain like the numbers do, but we might come dangerously close to realising that those hell bound Atheists have a point! I’m flexible on that one but fucked if I’m giving up all my guns, ammo and explosives! That shit has no flexibility at all. You ain’t no American if you don’t understand that more guns = less gun violence. Plus, what are you going to use to shoot down those missiles or microscopic, weapons grade biological agents from the government down from the sky with, if you ain’t got no gun! Its called logic and common sense!

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